HSBC - useless

A guy from Bangalore phoned me up yesterday.

Bangalore: "Hi, your credit card has been compromised, cut it up and we'll send you a new one. Oh, and tell your partner to do the same"

Me: "Eh, why?"

Bangalore: "Your credit card has been compromised."

Me: "Sure, you just said that. What's happened, are there any odd transactions there I may be able to clarify?", knowing that we've booked accommodation on-line for both San Francisco and Fiji recently.

Bangalore: "That's all I know. Phone this number for more information....new cards are in the post"

I hang up. We've had nothing but trouble with these guys - even just opening a new current account ended up being a comedy of errors of cards with wrong names passed to wrong addresses. My card being fraud-canceled after buying petrol in Sweden. I can imagine their anti-fraud intelligence guys sitting there:

AFIG1: "Hey, look a this - this Swedish guy's card was just used in Sweden to buy petrol for £22.50"

AFIG2: "HELLS BELLS - CALL IN AN AIR STRIKE!"

Sarah's a long-standing HSBC customer, and I relay the story to her. She phones them up, and is promptly kept on hold for most of the day. She finally gets through.

Sarah: "We've been told that our cards have been compromised"

Call centre guy: "I can see on my screen that your card has been compromised"

Sarah: "Let me guess: that's all you can tell us?"

Call centre guy: "How did you know what's next on my flow chart, are you in banking?"

It transpires that the "intelligence" section is separate from the "action" section - I-sec tells A-sec to cancel, and they do, and informs customer. I-sec doesn't tell A-sec why. When A-sec phones you up, if you want to know what's going on, you have to phone I-sec. Unfortunately, they close at 5pm. Having been kept on hold for most of the day, it is now later than 5pm, please try again tomorrow.

This morning, Sarah phones I-sec.

S: "My card has been compromised. Why?"

IS: "Your card has been compromised. I know why, but I can't tell you"

S: "As we're about to travel around the world Real Soon Now, I sort of need a credit card"

IS: "No new card's been ordered, would you like me to initiate this process? It'll take 10 business days"

S: "You gotta be f*****g kidding. You cancel my card, don't tell me why, and don't think it might be a good idea to send me a new one?"

IS: "Policy - we have new CC numbers associated with your account, which you could use in the mean time, but as no new card has been ordered, I can't give them to you"

S: "Could I speak to your superior, please?"

Sarah gets the same story from superior officer.

S: "Anyway, could you flag our cards such that they don't get stopped if we spend money abroad for the next six months please, as that could land us in an unteneble situation"

SO: "Nope, spending abroad is likely to trigger our anti-fraud intelligence"

S: "Excuse me?"

SO: "Our policy is that we only allow periods of 30 days of spending abroad, after that you have to phone us up again and reset it, or risk your cards being stopped"

S: "So really, this is a UK-only credit card."

SO: "The HSBC Gold card is accepted world-wide."

S: "For 30 days. If you phone up."

SO: "It's for your own protection from fraud"

S: "No, that's why I pay £15 for the Card Guard insurance"

SO: "Eehh...we'll phone you before stopping the card"

S: "Bush-whacking in Borneo?"

SO: "Are you not bringing your mobiles?"

S: "Bush-whacking in Borneo?"

SO: "Eehh..."

S: "Basically, you're saying I have to get up in the middle of the night in Australia to be kept on hold on a premium rate number to tell you I'm about to use my CC? Me, the customer, who is informing you now, down to exact times and dates, where I'll be using it for the next six months?"

SO: "You got it"

CardGuard insurance - £15. Using your card abroad - priceless.

It's a few hours later, and I head out for lunch. My phone beeps, signifying a new voice mail message. It's Bangalore again.

"This is a messsage for Dr Karma Police. Please phone HSBC Card Services on number...."

I dial.

Endless automated calling systems ask me to type in my umpteen digit CC number. Of course, having asked me to destroy it the other day, I don't have it, so I suffer the elevator music and hold. And hold.

Bangalore: "Good afternoon sir, what's your credit card number, please?"

Me: "Haven't got one. You asked me to junk it."

Bangalore: "Eeh, sort code..?"

Me: "I have a debit card, will that do?"

He says it does, I rattle it off, he asks me some security questions which I evidently answer to his satisfaction.

Bangalore: "Why are you phoning us today, sir?"

Me: "You tell me. You rang me 23 minutes ago, asking me to phone this number, so fire away. I'm all yours."

Bangalore, hesitantly: "Eeh, have you had your credit card lost or stolen?"

Me: "Nope. You phoned me out of the blue yesterday, telling me to destroy my credit card...etc" I outline the situation.

Bangalore, cheerfully: "Please hold, I'll transfer you to CC services"

Dear God Allmighty...

More music. A few clicking noises - back in Europe, I wonder?

Scottish lady: "What is the problem, Dr, sir?"

I know I'm shooting the messenger. Shouting at call centre staff is not fair on them, and makes me look like a prat. I ramble through the whole story, pointing out the absurdity of having one's card shut off without explanation, the insanity of not being able to use the card aboad, the incredulity of having to wait 10 working days for a new one, the utter incompetence on display.

Scottish lady: "I'll order you some new cards then, sir?"

Me: "W - T - F? You mean to say to me that between Bangalore yesterday, Sarah's multiple call to branch, and long call to you this morning, and Bangalore earlier today, replacement cards are still not even ordered?"

Scottish lady: "..but, but.."

Me: "Please order some cards for me"

Scottish lady, now at last box of flow chart: "Anything else I can help you with today, sir?"

I can't help but smile at the absurdity,

"The world's local bank" evidently means don't you dare using your card outside the country.